HEALING YOUR PAINFUL VAGINA: AN INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL

Love they say, wafts in the air like harmattan in Sokoto – very harsh on your skin yet, you just can’t do without it. So, you decide to be unbreakable, to be a force Cupid must reckon with. You choose to be a replica of Mòrèmí Àjàsòrò, but rather than save people, your vagina became a home for buried dreams, a memento for trapped destinies, a sweet luscious haunting ground and a sacred place men strove to bury their face.

You were not born like this; in fact you come from a perfect home where the day starts with 5AM morning devotion, a time you led praise & worship with your sisters as back-up singers. You, the first daughter of a family of nine. Your father is a popular man in Ladipo iron market; he once contested for olórí ẹgbẹ́ onírín. Your mother is a… well, that is a story for another day.

You first got ‘layed’ at sixteen. The one who took your virginity was Uncle Kunle, your mother's immediate younger brother. It was painful but Uncle Kunle said you enjoyed it since you did not cry. Only if he knew how many hours of your life you spent peeping when he was bathing or on days he finished all the Vaseline on himself. You are a dreamer, one who fantasizes, so it wasn’t painful when he did it.

In the university, you met Tobi. The one that first told you how much he loved you and would do anything to protect you. You, a first year microbiology student in Obafemi Awolowo University. Tobi, a fourth-year mechanical engineering student who lived both off campus and in Angola. He said many things but you claimed hard-to-get, even on the days he took you to Buka and finished life on your head.

Finally when you caved in, it ended in hot tears. Tobi found the place but got stuck every time he tried. Your vagina is not a hole hospitable to phalluses; it swallows dicks and refuses to spit them out. Just the same way phagocytes engulfs bacteria and only recognizes similar cells, your body rejects penises and only recognizes the first you had. The one who first knocked the door of your clitoris. The phallus that tore off the hymen, and paid homage to the labias. Uncle Kunle’s own.

Tobi broke up with you some seven months later when he got tired of the heads. Not that you aren't good at giving it, of course, you spent months mastering the art of blowjobs like it was a professional certificate course. Mia taught you well. But no man eats rice all day long for years and doesn't crave beans one day. You hated Tobi, but that was his premium loss. Afterall, he is the one who'd miss this hot cake of a body. You moved on like nothing happened.

Then came Paul the one in Philosophy, Jude the English grad, Rokeeb in Biochemistry, Nuel in Sociology, and Taiwo, the one who worked with Shell. All of them like Tobi did not stay more than half a year, they left you the way a dog leaves stale vomit.

You even started doing girls but Temi was too rough. Bimbo was dirtier than a pig with your room, the sty. Rachel was a manipulative bitch and even the innocent-looking Cynthia cheated better than 9ice. You are unlucky, a broken girl. The only one who satisfied your craving was Uncle Kunle, and no matter how much you hated seeing his ugly contorted face on days you rode him, you just couldn’t bring yourself to strangle him.

Segun the one you met on Facebook waltzed into your life some months later. It was a slutty comment you dropped on Boda Giggle’s page that connected you. Only if Giggle knew how many relationships his page had birthed. Segun like others tried sex but it just did not work, your vagina chocked life out of his penis until the veins became green and the cap lifeless. Why to have sex with you becomes a war, is a mystery no one could solve.

But unlike the others, Segun did not run away, he was a gentleman and he said he loves you for who you are. His words sounded strange to you, like diamonds, very rare to your existence. You pushed him away because you felt you do not deserve him. However, he stayed, he wanted to help and you both found your way to Sokoto. They said UDUTH housed the best surgeons who'd pull off the teeth your vagina uses in trapping penises.

You came to the wards and here, you met her. The solution to your problem, a badass surgeon, the one they said pioneered vaginoplasty and did a total hysterectomy on herself. You met me.

 © Ololade Edun

Photo Credit: Oseghale Favour Jemimah.