THE FOUR WALLS OF FRIEND ZONE IS GREY

 “I think we should take this relationship to the next level…”

The letters went off  the screen as Kosi touched the delete button till it got to 'I  think'. Who says that these days? The recipient of this controversial text was his friend, Egbitimi. Their tight-fisted friendship had spanned five years, leaving awkward situations a regularity, that most times when he wished she took him seriously, her best reply was “LOL”.

No. Those words were too serious. But what else could he say to paint those hidden torments of emotions being hushed down, how could he express those words that had always journeyed to his Adam's apple and stayed there, hoping he could release them? How could he tell her that he wasn’t satisfied anymore? That he wanted more.

He went back to the screen, adjusting his glasses so they would sit properly on his nose, as if that action would perfect his skills of persuasion. 

“….. this friendship thing isn’t working out for me”

He cleaned it off again, but this time he cleaned it off till nothing was left in the text tray. It sounded a bit off,  like the friendship they shared was some wrecked boat cast out to the sea, and he was trying to survive from drowning. .   

Being with Egbitimi wasn’t that bad. If he could erase the number of times she dated a guy who didn’t want anything more than a good time, there would be less crowded memories of good times with her. There were times when those memories were hazy because it was a sandwich tale of her boyfriends and their twist, seeking a perspective to understand the under-working of the male species.  He was the go-to guy for advice, the comforter that held her together, the cushion that took in all the millennial shit that was dumped at her: like a punching bag, he was to take it all in and not react back.

It wasn’t that bad! He prides himself on having dignity and not compromising on honesty, even among the intense hurt and the need to be selfish. He had more time with her than any of those guys. She spent more time complaining to him about them than actually being in a relationship with any. And he listened. He listened so well she said to him once “why doesn’t Stanley listen to me like you do? In fact, why don’t any of my dates listen to me like you do?”

After canceling the obvious “I want you to be my date”, coming out as too direct; he decided to settle for “I love you”. That was after he interrogated Google with these precise words “How to take friendship to the next level”, he didn’t find any satisfactory answer for someone like Egbitimi.

A blue tick suddenly showed up on the screen. She saw the message. That was fast! He didn’t expect it to be that fast. He wondered why he was surprised, she was always online these days. It was like her strategic mechanism of healing when she got dumped or was the “dumpee”.   He wished there could be more time for him to look at the screen, time to reconsider his words.

 “Lol” , she replied. 

If he were on a track field, he would have run the length back till his feet no longer carried him. 

Laugh. Out. Loud!

Why was it so hard? Why was it so hard for her to believe him? To see the words his eyes were saying when he shook her date? Any male friends at all? How much of an actor was he, keeping up a front with that plastered smile? His performance was Grammy worthy.

Laugh over it, he said to himself; you could laugh over it and never go back to it again. 

He was running again. He should have brought this up three months into their relationship. When he noticed he always wanted to talk to her, that he wished she was in his arms, that going places with her felt so complete and fulfilling, that she made him feel different shades of lovely.

He would have said something, but he didn’t.

I mean it

I know, she said and sent a wink emoji. 

Did she? She couldn’t. She couldn’t know that and played him such an injustice.

No! You don’t know. I am in love with you.

He had to continue anyway; there was this magic of letting go, you continue as if your life depended on it. He had to free those words holding him prisoner, there was no going back now. 

He didn’t get a reply that night, she went offline. 

She went offline! He confessed his feelings and she went offline. 

It was the least of what he expected. He felt stupid, embarrassed and lighter, like he had thrown a burden down the bottomless pit. 

He turned his phone off and spent a large part of the night looking at the ceiling. Those were the dreaded times; the minutes, and hours you stood analyzing the different statements that might be better, asking yourself what you did wrong or what you didn’t do wrong. 

There was nothing to do but wait. 

Wait for what exactly?

 A No?

 He prepared himself mentally for it. After all, he didn’t do this for her, he did this for him. He was a slave to the mechanism of pain and happiness at once, he didn’t want to continue this way. 

Tomorrow came and hurried away yet he didn’t catch a glimpse of Egbitimi. The next day was the  same but he refused it be his story so he settled for question marks in her DM.

He saw her three days after his proposal, amidst a crowded return of students from the lecture hall in the late hours of noon. 

She smiled at him as she walked toward him. She always have a lovely smile. Like world problems could end if she smiled over it. 

She walked to him and stood a distance from him.

“How have you been?”

“Fine”

He nodded and looked at her for some time. There was the ‘shrill'' sound of water dropping on the ground from the tank few minutes from when it was pumped,  the birds were going about their business, the light from the lecture hall was flickering at its end amongst the rush of colorful parade of feet yet he looked at her like the world wasn’t moving around her.

“How was your day?” she asked

Small talk! Ptff! When did they start doing that? After he had told her he didn’t want them being friends anymore. Well, it was out so there was no reason to hold back. Three days was enough to run him out with desperation. 

“You haven’t replied my message”

She coughed a bit, like something forced, like someone that had prepared a speech.

“I am dating someone now”

It was as if the bird had stopped chirping and the light bulb maintained its stability and the sound of water was calmed. Like the entire world had maintained its composure and none of it managed to travel down to his corner. 

He said a big resounding “Oh".

She arched her eyebrows at him, expecting more. But what else do you say to someone who's dashed your hope?

“Congratulations?” his eyes were down to the ground, he couldn’t look at her. He was now aware of the armies of ants passing through a trail of sand at an angle close to him. He was aware of the thousand feelings that existed within him because all at once they ganged up on him, wishing to explode. He was doing his best to be a man. 

“Congratulations?” She moved closer to him.

“What else do you want me to say?”

“I thought..I thought you told me a while ago that you are in love with me”

“And what did you do?! You said yes to another person again!” he said back to her, trying so much not to shout at her. He wanted to scoop her up and slap some sense into her like a mother would do when she dusted the butt of her baby with some slaps. 

“I said yes before you asked me”

“You just broke up with that idiot about a month ago!” 

Right now, he didn’t know what to feel, but the look on her face he knew he was angry. He didn’t want to give into this feeling but at the same time he convinced himself that he had every right to be. 

“When are you going to learn that they don’t deserve you?”

And he does? He wondered. He wanted to leave; he wanted to maintain his composure and convince himself that she didn’t deserve this. He wanted to be sensible and choose his words properly, like he had always done. Be the calm person, the sensible guy who heard her complaints about her relationship and give soothing advice.

“I can’t go back to say no now, I mean this is all too complicated, you are my friend and-”

“And what? I am not good enough for you but you would allow those idiots to touch you”

He didn’t know his voice was pitched until he saw someone looking at their direction. 

“So, what do you want us to do about it?”

He held tightly to his book and looked at her. He wanted to hate her but he couldn’t.

“Forget it!”

He wanted to leave when she said “I don’t want us to end like this”

“Then we should end up as what? Friends?! I should go on ahead listening to you and your adventures with your stupid boyfriends and comfort you and hug you but I am not allowed to love you”

She didn’t look at him.

“For goodness sake Egbi! You could have at least tried for us, at least I know I would have love you better than any one of those guys''

He wanted to leave her and face this hurt up-front, in his room, with his guys, cracking some random jokes and wasting it out on the field, with a ball. 

He looked at her and shook his head. She wouldn’t get it, she was too scared to know the difference between truth and lies. And he couldn’t save her.

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Hi. This story is taken from my anthology, All Shades of Red, I would be grateful if you help me develop it. You can help by commenting any issue you want me to write about when it comes to relationship, the tiniest feelings or things that troubles you is expected, and when the anthology drop, I will keep you informed through the blog.